Ask the Lord to give you gentleness towards each other again.
Every marriage or family goes through times where individuals struggle to get along peacefully. Misunderstandings, facing challenging circumstances, and simply raising children are just a few reasons such times come. Holidays or weekends away as a family can either contribute to the strife in the home or become a time of reconciliation and making peace. The greatest stumbling block here is holding on to a mindset of “How can I get you to be quiet and listen to me?”
As Believers we have a responsibility within our families to create a safe space where mutual understanding and grace can be established.
Proverbs 18:15 says, “The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.” Consider the way you behave towards your spouse, perhaps your children or even other family members. Are you intentional to LISTEN to their hearts’ cry BEHIND their words and behaviour? This is the wonderful privilege we have – to selflessly take special effort to make our home a haven filled with the glory of the Lord!
Let us take a deeper look at some attitudes we may unknowingly have, but which are not pleasing to the Lord or glorifying His name. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you, and to open your heart to learn and change your attitude and behaviour.
Attitude 1: I’m right and you’re wrong
Such an attitude runs the risk of us moving from a place where we honour one another to becoming preoccupied with proving to the other person that we are right and they are wrong in a convincing way!
Ask the Holy Spirit to show you any hint of such attitude. Humbly pray for the Lord to help you resolve difficulties like these in a way honouring Him.
Attitude 2: You are to blame
When you fall into the trap of constantly blaming another person for something, you are taking the role of the devil – an accuser! Correcting someone lovingly so they will correct their ways is something completely different than constantly identifying something wrong in their actions, words, approach, thinking, etc. The latter causes that person to feel utterly helpless to ever do anything right in your eyes and might cause them to respond in an ungodly way as well. Do not always try to prove someone or something wrong. Speak the truth lovingly. Speak the truth kindly without a hint of blame in your voice or actions. Be honest and apologise when you realise you have wronged others, setting an example to your whole family. Jesus took all our blame and sin away.
Ask the Holy Spirit to help you follow in His character, to forgive others their wrongs and spur them on in doing better next time. Remember that your fight is not against flesh and blood, but evil spirits in the air (Ephesians 6:13).
Attitude 3: I’m the victim
When you constantly see yourself as the victim of the conduct of others it will be very hard to ‘hear’ or even ‘accept’ when others try to say ‘sorry’ or explain their conduct to you. You will view them through the lense of being insensitive and selfish, coming down on you unnecessarily. Even though in extreme situations the other person may be guilty of such conduct, we should never view ourselves as a ‘victim’. We are sons and daughters of our heavenly Father and He loves us as well as the person we feel is at fault.
Ask the Holy Spirit to show you the reason for the other person’s conduct. Ask the Lord to help you in ministering to the person. Also remember, whenever your heart feels deeply hurt, do not retaliate, run with your pain to the Lord and ask for His healing – He is always ready to touch a sincere and broken heart.
Attitude 4: Blind to your own faults
This attitude can easily become a trap where you complain about the other person’s conduct, but fail to see your own part in the disagreement! One way to recognise this as true of yourself, is when you start shielding your heart from the other person. The result is that no matter what they say or do, you just cannot ‘hear’ their point of view. This is a tough one!
In your times with the Lord, present this situation before Him in prayer. Ask Him to help you see the situation through His eyes, and to be able to spot any wrong behaviour on your part in the ongoing conflict. Ask Him for His compassion for the other person and that you will begin to see good things in one another. Pray Philippians 1:9 over the situation – And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment.
Attitude 5: Defensiveness
When our hearts hurt, we are vulnerable to two things. First is that you are on the defence from the start, shielding yourself from being criticised. This will hinder you from listening and properly evaluating what is said in a conversation. The other trap here is that if you expect to be criticised, you will hear it even when it does not exist!
Ask the Holy Spirit to show you any occurrence of these two responses in your own heart, whether it manifests in your relationship with your spouse, child, or anyone else. Ask Him to create in you a pure heart – gentle, tender and filled with love towards everyone around you. Gentleness of heart will render accusation and defensiveness powerless over time and peace will return to your life!
Attitude 6: Mistrust
A tricky attitude to deal with is ‘mistrust’. This comes as a natural response when someone has disappointed you in the past by telling lies. It may cause you to feel they are lying even before they say a word. If you have a credible reason to believe they are lying, it is something different.
Ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand how to help the person who is constantly telling lies and getting away with misconduct. If it was a mistake on their part, but not necessarily their everyday conduct, ask the Lord to help you forgive them and restore the broken trust. It is important to discern what their true character is. Ask God to put His love and compassion in your heart again, to give you His heart towards the offending person despite their conduct.
Attitude 7: Repeat what you think you heard the other person say
This attitude is a positive one and can help diffuse a lot of tension, fear and anger. Listening implies an obvious interest in the feelings and opinions of the other person. This means that you let the other person know what you hear and understand they are saying. This may also explain to them the reason you respond the way that you do.
Ask the Lord to help you understand the other person’s perspective. Arguing with a critic will rarely work. However, finding things that you both agree on, builds a closer relationship.
When you listen, don’t defend yourself. This does not necessarily mean you have to agree with all that is said, but at least you allow the other person to voice what is on their heart. If you can find some truth to agree with, the other person may not respond by becoming offended and angry with you. They may even become more open to listening to you and considering your requests.
A valuable resource
There is a valuable resource you may consider to gain more understanding and insight regarding how to handle conflict situations and build healthy relationships and families: “How to Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage)” by H. Norman Wright. It addresses these and many other issues, and may give insight into your relationship. It may also create an opportunity for you and your spouse to work through issues together: reading, praying and laughing together.
